Change

As a girl who believed she was obsessed with change, I have to say that clarifying is now necessary because the type of change actually means a whole lot than I thought it originally did.

It's crazy how fast a heart can be transformed, softened, thriving for attention, to an unwanted solid that becomes an anchor too heavy to be dragged across the ocean floor any longer. You could say that physically it never changes, it doesn't crack down the middle because of hurt or melt into a pool because of first date butterflies.

Although, it may never become what it feels, that doesn't mean it doesn't feel at all.

Where did my insanity go?

I never thought my habit of over-thinking would become an actual problem.  Today, my mind has been in a constant spin and blur at the same time. All of the sudden, what is real and logical seems so far from reach, too far to run to. Is my mind taking over my ability to control my emotions and clear thoughts? Is it the coffee? Maybe it's the coffee. If not...what is it?
Or is it the burden of not longing to write..I miss that craving..
Come back to me, please.

Chicago Midway

I'm not really sure how any of this works. Like if I should give advice or journal as if I have no audience? Actually, back up, I am not even completely sure if I have an audience. I mean the page views have probably all come from webserving robots, but let's pray for the best, anywho just wanted to let you guys know, if there's anyone real out there reading, I'm alive, thanks for caring! :)

Am I innocent?

Today, I came here out of pure frustration. To what you may ask? I, myself, barely know the source of this mixture of anxiety and anger.  I have a hunch, but it is a possibility that would be more private than public.
Do you ever have beautiful days? Where you wake up, feel optimistic, love the skin you're in, and feel productive enough to conquer the world?
Well, today I had one of those days, and I was smiling from ear to ear. Until a mild incident, in which a normal person probably wouldn't have even thought twice about.  But, me being me, I am stuck in this realm of defeat and question.
I did something wrong today, or I did something right?
Man, there are times when I wish I was granted a different personality and mind process for this reasoning entirely. I mean, I can usually shake things off and constructive criticism is something I personally find extremely helpful. But the staring... the short & smirk comments... the movement of eye brows..the expression of surprise and disapproval all in one, I can't do it. And all I can think is why//
Am I innocent?
OR are my eyes deceitful?
*Longing for someone to point the finger and actually say, "You are guilty?"
And if they do, will I deny it?

Just maybe

How can one tell if he or she has too high of expectations or that you need to up the ante? I guess it could be a personal preference. I for one am known for doing both wrongly so. Interpreting things is sometimes one of my biggest challenges.
This Monday I dove into The Fault in Our Stars and I just concluded the last chapter about 7 minutes ago. Now, I could be totally wrong, or totally right. Why am I not feeling the insane emotions that twitter and other social media gave such a hype about. Maybe I expect too much? Maybe I should begin to expect less and be given more, then I will always be satisfied, right? I'm not sure. Well anyway, great book, maybe the aftermath has yet to begun and I will wake up in the morning praying to speak to Augustus' lively soul one day.
Why is it that I fell in love with John Green upon reading "Paper Towns," but now am at a loss for whole words when I try to compare these two books. Maybe I've lost my mind. Maybe every teenage girl in the world has too.
Just maybe.

Stay beautiful

I came here because I felt as if I have hit my limit for tweets today.  I'm in an unusual mood and I can't quite pinpoint what sort of emotion I am entranced by. Possibly wanderlust as always, but I almost sense that it is deeper than that. I know for sure it isn't sadness, because I believe smiles rarely ride along with anger or depression. It could be nostalgia...but in a way I am under the influence that it has to do with the potential of what my future holds. Now, I'm not talking about becoming some fancy writer who drinks martinis and finds her inspiration upon cool rooftops of an extremely expensive studio apartment in the city but like the real stuff you know? The self satisfying stuff? Like I'm under the impression that wherever I end up I am gonna just glow with happiness because you can be whatever you wanna be, wherever you wanna be. It sounds really weird, but then again I'm starting to realize that every single time I apologize for my thoughts that I am undermining a talent I crave to improve. It is real cool though... I like talked earlier about wanting this inner peace for myself and then bam..I believe I'm feeling the beginning to something that has had a long way coming. OR I may just be a loser. Have a good day
Stay beautiful

A little bit of this, little bit of that

You know... right now I feel as if I'm trapped in a whirlwind of anxiety. And the funny thing is, I have very little to be anxious about excluding everything that comes along with graduation.  For one thing I am constantly critiquing myself for spending half of my day on twitter.  In the beginning I noticed it as a bad habit, but when I took a step back and evaluated what I was really doing on there, things began to appear clearer.  I realized I wasn't scrolling through tweets relating to current gossip or staring for 30 seconds at pictures of Channing Tatum with his shirt off, I was processing.  I am almost always absorbing quotes that I find touching or bucket list adventures that I ache to drop everything and be a part of. I see small cottages built on beaches and hope to live a life of such simplicity one day.  I see ways to heal a heartache or tips to reach that point of pure happiness that you truly crave.  And today, I came to the conclusion that it isn't a waste of time.  I am exploring a world that I am anxious to live.  I admire the inspiring words, because for me too, writing is something treasurable that I can never thank God enough for loving. But in other words, this is my excuse for spending my whole life on twitter lol